Here Comes the Bride? I Mean the Birthday Boy!
by Jadepowell
Summary: The most random, crazy and weird comic story about Voldemort and his birthday. Twist and turns around every corner. Nothing is predictable. May not be written the best but me and my co-author hope it makes you laugh!
1. Chapter 1: The Invitation

Chapter 1 the invitation

Chapter 1 the invitation

A small piece of paper was received in the mail, it read...

_Dear …  
You're formally invited to Voldemort's -no, wait-Voldie shorts SURPRISE birthday bash!  
Where: Riddles manor.  
When: Voldemort's Birthday.  
Theme: Slumber party; bring your own sleeping bag  
RSVP: Whenever you like I don't expect many people to come. If you don't I will lick your toes!  
Call Lucius on 1800kittenhugger  
P.S- You must not tell Voldie shorts, I mean Voldemort._

Voldemort picked up a small piece of paper that had been carelessly discarded on the ground. It was written by an anonymous person, it read:

_7x loafs of bread  
2x packs of dishwashing detergent  
1 pkt of tampons  
Newspaper  
A pie_

"I think this is a sign for me to go to the manor on my birthday!!" Voldemort thought out aloud.

He walked over to the drab window of one of his many hideouts only to hear a moaning sound coming from behind a door. Quickly he walked over to the door and flung it open sharply, lying on the floor he found a giant teddy bear. Voldemort's eyes gleamed like a little school boy who just found the key to a candy shop. _Strange music came from the lounge room_ "I take ya to the candy shop, let ya lick the lolly pop"

He let out an excited squeal and ran down the hall like a small child. He reached the so-called 'lounge room' (which looked more like a rubbish dump) where there was a stereo in the back corner, which was playing loud music. All of a sudden he broke out in a boogie break.

When Voldemort over extended on the sprinkler he pulled a muscle in his back.  
A blood hurtling scream broke out throughout the household. In came Dumbledore his white frilly apron half untied and covered in spaghetti sauce.

"Are you ok Voldie Poo?" He asked in a soft cooing voice as he rushed over to the injured Voldemort.

"I told you not to call me that! Some one could hear." He replied coolly clutching his back in pain.

"But we should no longer deny the world our feelings for each other" Dumbledore stated as he rubbed Voldemort's back.

"The world will have to wait before they know what happens when the lights go out." Voldemort replied with a soft sigh, making and effort to stand up.

Dumbledore simply nodded as he helped the hurt man.

Meanwhile in some dark alley way, Lucius had a meeting with the postman.  
"I thought I would be seeing you here… postman" he sneered one eyebrow raised in an almost happy way.

The postman gave him a strange look, handed him his letters and walked away. Lucius looked at the letters in his hands and then back down that alley where the postman had once been. He heaved a heavy sigh and sadly walked inside a tear slowly rolling down his pale cheek.


	2. Chapter 2: Cooking Books

Chapter 2: Cooking books

Chapter 2: Cooking books?

"Oooo" he squealed excitedly as he carelessly ripped open the envelope.

He pulled out a suss looking catalogue, obviously wizarding, as the raunchy pictures were moving.

"I didn't think this would come for another month!" He said looking over the pictures and smirking.

"Hey Dad what's that?" Draco asked waltzing into the room trying to glance at the pictures that interested his father so much.

"Ummm…N-nothing son it's a simple … COOK BOOK!" Lucius said shoving the magazine under his cloak. Draco nodded,

"Can't wait for some yummy recipes Father" Draco smiled innocently rubbing his stomach.

His father shifted nervously in his seat making sure the "cooking magazine" was still hidden under his cloak.

'I don't think my son needs to know about my... secret affairs yet.' He thought to himself watching his son looking through the rest of the mail.

Draco look satisfied as he put down the large pile of mail and started to walk back to his room. Just before he closed the kitchen door he looked back at his father.

"Oh by the way dad, there was another letter for you from your gay porn club," He smirked and closed the door.

His fathers face turned white with shock and he curled up into a ball on the floor.

Draco walked into his room with a sense of achievement; he jumped on his bed in a sort of sleep over club motion.

"Hehe, gay. I feel like milk and cookies, I might go and see Professor McGonagall" Draco told him self. shifty eyes

"10, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, ready or not here I come!" Umbridge yelled into an empty corridor, as she did J. K. Rowling walked past.

"Urm what do you think your doing? Your supposed to be getting bottox in 5 minutes, you can't be playing hide n seek!" J.K stated.

"Don't worry I don't plan on finding him, he was just so annoying!" Umbridge confessed.

"Oh, ok that's cool with me, wanna go get some peaches?" J.K asked casually.

"Sure" Umbridge replied and they walked off to the shop.


	3. Chapter 3: Walrus

Chapter 3: Walrus

Chapter 3: Walrus?

Off in the distance there was a large walrus with a boom box and a shrunken head for bling. He had the new album "Voldie Back by Lucius and Draco Malfoy"

_Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake starts playing but this is Walrus style. Sung by Lucius and Draco._

Lucius: I'm bringing Voldie back!  
Draco: Yeah!  
Lucius: All from his head to his ball sack.  
Draco: Yeah!  
Lucius: And if I don't he'll give me a smack!  
Draco: Yeah!  
Lucius: But then again, I like that!  
Draco: Yeah!  
Lucius: I'm his blond ! (bridge)  
Lucius: Vol-de-mort.  
Lucius: See these shackles baby I'm your slave.  
Lucius: I'll let you whip me if I misbehave.  
Lucius: Cause no one makes me feel this way.  
Lucius: SACRAFICE A WALRUS! (chorus)  
Walrus: Come here Cedric!  
Draco: He killed him too.  
Walrus: Lily Evans?  
Draco: He killed her too.  
Walrus: James Potter?  
Draco: He killed him too.  
Walrus: Moaning Myrtle?  
Draco: He killed her too.  
Walrus: The Unicorn?  
Draco: He killed it too.  
Walrus: Some random guy?  
Draco: He killed him too.  
Walrus: His own parents?  
Draco: Think he killed them too.

Lucius: This is Lucius.  
Draco: and Draco too.  
X 9

music-- doom doom doom doom

Shrunken head: Get ready.

music-- doom doom doom doom

Shrunken head: Get ready.

Ends song—remember this is a Walrus version!

Lucius and Draco sat on one of the many park benches still a little puffed from all the dancing and singing they had just done.

"Hey Dad?" Draco asked curiously cautiously moving away from his father.

"Yes Draco my boy?" Lucius said cocking one eyebrow in his son's direction.

"Uh, why are you…err…um… gay?" He asked almost falling off the end of the bench just in case his father lashed out at him.

"Well son there is a time in every fathers life were you just have to look at gay porn" Lucius explained simply.

Draco squinted at his father, "You didn't answer my question."

"No I certainly did not," He said and skipped off into the castle; in which this story takes place.

Draco apperated after his father and appeared out the front of Hogwarts gates. He saw his father merrily skipping up the dirt path and shook his head. Quietly he slipped in through the sturdy iron gates and ran towards the castle.  
He reached the oak doors and slipped inside, no one was around.

"Yes" he whispered quietly to himself as he snuck up many a staircase towards the Headmistresses office.

"Jelly fruit" He called to a blank wall as it jumped back to reveal a statue of a giant elephant.

Quickly he stepped next the statue as it started spiraling upwards. The stairs came to an abrupt halt and Draco stepped off onto a small platform with a wooden door on the edge. He gave a sharp knock.

"I've been waiting for you," came a voice from inside as the young male walked into the office with a small grin planted across his face.


	4. Chapter 4: McGranger?

Chapter 4: McGranger

Chapter 4: McGranger?

As Draco entered the room he saw the back of the pink velvet chair with the tip of an emerald green hat poking over the top.

"At last we meet again!" Draco announced to the hidden figure.

Slowly the chair turned revealing a young bushy haired female.

"Hermione! I've missed you so much!" He called as he flung himself into Hermione's strong arms.

They stood there in each other's arms until finally he let go of her.

"Now that we're here what should we do?" She asked mischievously winking at Draco.

"Well how about we..." Hermione started but was stopped by the sudden entrance of Draco's tongue into her mouth.

Draco griped the back of Hermione's hair tightly, as she did his and the two embraced in a long passionate kiss.

"Wow, is that new toothpaste?" Hermione commented.

"Why yes it is, its Colgate with a hint of lemon zest!" Draco replied proudly.

"Mmmm, I want more!" Hermione stated as she pulled his head to her and shared another kiss.

After about twenty minuets they finally broke apart breathing heavily and smiling.

"Where did you learn to kiss like that?" Hermione questioned Draco, who had a sexy grin planted on his face.

"Goat camp!" He gloated, buffing out his well toned chest.

"You're so hot!" She screamed going wild like a flamingo and pulled him into yet another orange and tangerine kiss, as she had bought toothpaste that tasted like that.

Draco pushed Hermione against a wall, lifting her top slightly as his hand caressed her lumpy green skin on her lower back, she let out a soft moan and entwined her fingers through his newly died blue and orange hair. They were so engulfed in each other they didn't even notice a giant butterfly zoom happily past the open window.

All of a sudden she stopped. Draco noticed this and broke apart from her, the last button of her shirt undone.

"What is it Herms?" He asked softly as the feeling of his lips tickled her ear.

"Can you hear that?" Hermione whispered. Her hands now just placed on his shoulders.

"No" he told her then pulled her closer, as if it were possible to get any closer, and gave a genuine smirk and began kissing her.

Hermione was semi engaged into the kiss although it seem Draco was doing all the work, for her eyes were still open and still focused on the door.

She pushed Draco away once more "No, no I think someone is coming" Hermione gasped as Draco continually nibbled her lip.

It was now apparent that they were not alone in the castle. Even Draco heard it and stopped what he was doing.

The foot steps were getting louder then followed by a thug sound.

Hermione and Draco frantically fixed up their clothing and fixed up the odd piece of furniture they had knocked over.

"The window!" Hermione suggested, and both attempted to climb down the vine ladder. Once safely on the ground Draco positioned himself and Hermione up against the castle wall.

Hermione had her legs wrapped around Draco's torso. Again Draco resorted to undoing buttons.

"Stop! Umm did you bring 'Anything'?" Hermione said with a few nods of her head. Draco caught on.

"Well not really, I didn't think we would be moving so fast" Draco confessed.

"Well then" Hermione said, pulling herself of the wall. "Guess it will have to wait until tonight" She teased. By now she was firmly on the ground, with a bear suit on and she walked off with a special wiggle to her behind.

Draco closed his eyes at the opportunity he just missed but none the less looked at Hermione's wiggle all the same.


	5. Chapter 5: The Disturbance

Chapter 5: The disturbance

Chapter 5: The disturbance!

"Draco! Where are you!" Lucius called after his son as he wandered through the dark halls of Hogwarts.

He heard a moaning sound coming from the top of a flight of stairs. He gave a confused look but skipped up the stairs all the same.

"Maybe I will find Severus here," he said mischievously rubbing his hands together in an evil kind of way.

He paused when he made it to the door. He pressed his ear firmly against it, listening to the people in there. He heard nothing. Lucius took his ear off the door, tucked a strand of his long bleach blond hair behind his ear and opened the hard, wooden door.

Inside was a man wearing all black- black hair, black clothes and even black make up.

The mystery man sat curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth.

Lucius who was watching in silence, accidentally knocked a random vase off the table.

The rocking stopped and the man looked up. It was none other than Severus Snape.

"Severus?" Lucius called.

"What in gods name are you doing here?" He continued.

Snape looked past his big crooked nose.

"SHHHHHHHHHHH" he hissed.

"I'm winning!" He explained.

Lucius tried to make sense of this scene but was unable to.

"Severus my good fellow, we are the only ones in this castle, what could you possibly be winning?" Lucius asked.

"You see my friend, I am winning a competition that involves only complete skill and intelligence. It's called rock until your drop!" He said like a young child excited about getting ice cream.

Lucius cocked one eyebrow, stifled a laugh and just stared at the delirious man in front of him.

"Whom are you playing against?" He asked suspiciously looking around for another person.

"YOU!" He laughed rocking some more.

His laughed became more crazed and manacle. Lucius skewed up his nose at Snape.

"Rigggggghhhhhhtttttt" He exclaimed a bit shocked at this crazed mans behavior.

"I think I will leave you alone right now" Lucius said as he backed away cautiously leaving the rocking Snape to be.

Lucius skipped gleefully down the stone stairs, through the oak doors, under the swinging pendulum which "apparently" has always been at the entrance of Hogwarts, down the pebble path and out the front gates.

Back at Voldemort's hideout, havoc had broken loose. Voldemort had misplaced his favorite pair of underpants.

"Now slow down Voldemort, where did you see them last?" Dumbledore encouraged.

"I-I-I toooooooolllld you " He cried, sobbing like a young child.

"I-I-I-I-I put them heeererrree" He continued to whimper, pointing to the chest of drawers.

"Now calm down baby cakes!" Dumbledore cried.

Voldemort was sick of being told what to do, he placed his belly to the floor and started banging his fist and kicking the grimy ground.

"You did this last time, you know having a tantrum will not make us find them any quicker. For heavens sake stop screaming!" Dumbledore said in a stern voice.

Voldemort gave a sniff and sat up quietly, his legs crossed and his lip dropped.

"Did you ever think about using magic?" The old white bearded man suggested calmly, a twinkle in his eye.

The distressed Voldemort shook his head like a baby and waited for his savior to help him.

"Accio Voldemort's underwear!" Dumbledore called, pairs of underwear flying at him from all different directions.

"That's where they were!" Voldemort shouted excitedly grabbing them from the top of the pile.

"I remember where they were now." He said enthusiastically.

"I was wearing them!"


	6. Chapter 6: Wanderings and Nurses

Chapter 6: Wanderings and Nurses

Chapter 6: Wanderings and Nurses.

Both Dumbledore and Voldemort laughed gleefully.

"Oh your a silly billy," Dumbledore laughed.

Voldemort was still sitting on the ground. He was laughing so hard the he was struggling to breathe. Soon the struggling to breathe turned into gasping for air.  
Dumbledore who was still slightly chuckling noticed Voldemort, who, by now was turning blue and looked as though he was having a fit.

"Somebody call the ambulance!" He squealed.

Siren noises were heard from down the hall and as the door was flung open a disturbing image ran through the door. T'was Filtch dressed in a skimpy nurses out fit.

"I am here!" Filtch called his skirt riding up showing more of his incredibly hairy legs.

"GOSH! What ARE you wearing Filtch?" Dumbledore asked, rather taken aback but interested all the same.

"Move!" He shouted ignoring Dumbledore's comment and leaning on the ground as he began mouth to mouth with Voldemort.

Dumbledore stood back, staring at Filtch's backside which was only just covered by the short skirt he was wearing.

Voldemort took in a huge breath of air and looked into the eyes of his savior.

"How can I ever repay you?" he asked in a low, dreamy voice.

"Oh, I have an EXCELENT idea," he winked leaning closer to the old man.

Suddenly Voldemort attached his arms around Filtch's neck and started making out with him on the floor. Dumbledore, a little shocked and disappointed, ripped off his clothes.

Voldemort who was slung around Filtch looked up at Dumbledore and gave him the biggest greasy ever greased in the greasy history of greasiness

Dumbledore recognized the look and placed his now shredded clothes back onto his body and slumped out of the room.

In his upset wonderings, Dumbledore decided to stroll through the castle and casually wander past the many rooms it held.

One room held a frantic Draco looking for something; he was pulling everything out of the many cupboards and shelves that was contained in the room.

Another contained a Walrus in a newly found recording studio.

In one there was Umbridge with a bandaged up face but appeared to be eating, what looked like peaches, along side of her was a woman who had been eating peaches but was now passed out?

The next room was Snape's but he wasn't there.

He past another room and he saw Harry and a red haired girl in skimpy silk night wear.

Dumbledore was really upset, and only one thing could possibly make him feel better; a trip to Dr. Lucius.

While on his search for the sexy Dr. Lucius he admired what they had done with the place. There were pink drapes along most of the walls. Generally there seemed to be and overall pink theme to the castle, chairs were pink, window frames and all sorts of unusual things.

Suddenly there was a pig outside the window with small pink wings fluttering furiously fast and trying to hold the wait of itself up. Dumbledore opened the window to let the pig in. As it flew in the window Dumbledore sat and watched it as if it were a butterfly floating gracefully by. He snapped out of his trance and left the pig to go and entertain some other people. He walked towards his old office.

"Fluffy Duck," He said smiling as the wall moved aside and the staircase began to spiral up wards.

When he reached the top he noticed a giggling sound coming from inside his old office. He puffed out his chest his old man boobs showing through his still ripped clothes. Slowly he reached for the handle, grasped it and threw the door open with such force and few things broke.

"What the fuck?" he questioned as the two full grown men were rolling around on the floor.

"What are you doing?" He asked almost in tears of laughter.

"We are winning," They confessed rolling faster, "against you!"

"What exactly are you winning against me?" He asked, now rather intrigued.

"A game called rock until you drop, you have to rock and who ever rocks the most wins." Lucius said happily as he rocked next to Severus.

Dumbledore stood ridge for a few minuets, suddenly his eye began to twitch and he jumped down next to them and started rocking his heart out.


	7. Chapter 7: Hello Joe

Chapter 7: Hello Joe

Chapter 7: Hello Joe!

In a room yonder the rocking competition. Young Ron Weasley was concealed in a straight jacket.

It had been many months since the accident and he had only attempted to commit suicide three times.

You see when he first woke from his drug-endued coma he was convinced that all the nurses were trying to kill him. So as a solution he was brought to the only place he felt safe, Voldemort's hideout.

Usually he sat there talking to smudges that resembled faces but other than that he didn't really talk, except to the Wormtail who brought him his dinner every night.

"Thank you kind Sir," Ron said in a hysterical state as Wormtail brought in his daily meal.

Wormtail giggled a little and sat down across from the psychotic red headed boy.

"Master says you are to accompany him tonight Joe." Wormtail said a smile creeping across his lips.

"Thank you Peter, you can tell you master that I have accepted his offer," Ron said.

Suddenly Wormtail pulled out a packet of dung bombs and began to eat their insides.

"What's that you have their Peter?" Joe, whose real name was Ron, asked.

"Yummy treats. Would you like to try some?" He asked, offering his bag of 'yummy treats' to Joe.

Joe looked down at his rumbling stomach.

"Couldn't 'urt" he stated and grabbed one of the dung bombs out of the packet.

Ron wasn't sure of how to eat it, he looked over at Wormtail and saw that he had taken to peeling of its casing and eating the mushy substance on the insides. Ron shrugged his shoulders and did the same.

At first the sensation of the cold dung on his lips made him gag a little but soon he was used to it. Before he knew it he had eaten half a packet of the 'yummy snacks'.  
He looked over to Wormtail who was now snoozing quietly on a tattered blanky that he took everywhere with him.

Meanwhile in another part of Voldemort's hide out, Voldemort and Dumbledore were setting up a feast for four people. Voldemort, Joe, Dumbledore and Wormtail. Another twenty minuets passed and two tired and smelly people entered the room. Voldemort and Dumbledore stood next to each other like a sweet couple as the two friends entered.

"Welcome to our banquet," Voldemort gestured.

"Isn't it your birthday tomorrow?" Joe asked curiously staring at the table filled with food.

"Why yes I do believe it is his Birthday Joe," Dumbledore added.

"Yum food!" Wormtail shouted jumping on the table which of course broke underneath him because he is the fattest man in the world.

"Wormtail!" Voldemort whined.

"Sorry master, it has been along time since I have been offered food other then dung bombs!" Wormtail explained.

"Yes, well I don't- I don't like- I don't like your face!" Voldemort cried.

"It's all right Voldie poo," Joe said affectionately rubbing the upset man's back.

Filtch came behind Voldemort and took over the rubbings of his back, pushing Ron out of the way.

"It alright Voldie, Boldy, Coldy." Filtch comforted.

"So who do you plan on coming tonight?" Snape asked as he placed the knifes onto the table.

"Well, I think I should come," said Remus waltzing into the room unexpectedly.

"Me too," Said a number of people –which included; Draco, Umbridge, Ginny, J.K. Rowling, Cho Chang, Harry, The walrus, The flying pig, McGonagall, Hermys, and some random Voldemort fan/lover-

Then all of a sudden Cedric walked into the room. The room fell silent as they all gazed upon the seemingly alive manboy.

"Umm….whaaaaaat? I thought you were d-d-dead!?" Harry asked utterly confused.

"Care to explain old chap" asked Mr. Weasley, who by the way just run through the window.

"Well today is the day of my death day. For this 7 year anniversary I am granted to come back to my one and true love." Diggory explained.

Cho had a smile across her face.

"_Doldy" Filtch continued. _  
"Lucius" Cedric finished.

All were gob smacked, Cho was now balling her eyes out and Lucius had his jaw dropped lower then anyone else's.

"_Foldy-"._

Lucius blushed a little and tried to sneak out of the room but Cedric had already snuck over to him and grabbed his arse while the rest of the room where still in shock.

"_Shouldy-"_

Lucius let out a small groan and snuck out into the room next door with Cedric.

Everyone searched the room for Lucius and Cedric and soon realized they were no longer there any more.

"Should we go and find them?" asked Fred as Moaning Myrtle curiously popping her head through wall next to them.

"Oooohhh you HAVE to see this I think you will all be a little surprised," she giggled, ushering the large group of people into the room next door.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" Lucius asked Cedric as they both sat down at a children's sized table set out with cups, plates and a teapot.

"Why yes that would be simply marvelous," Cedric giggled.

"_Mouldy!"_

"Strangely, I'm not surprised" Voldemort stated as the crowd looked on with awe.

Draco scrunched up his eyes and looked at Voldemort than shook his head.

"Well lets leave this very…strange site and return to the dinning area" J.K suggested.

"_Holdy" _  
Everyone sat down to the magnificent feast, which had obviously appeared in all the confusion and they hoed into the food prepared.

Meanwhile on the other side of the world Mr. Weasley and Mrs. Weasley were on their Honeymoon.

"These potatoes are exquisite!" Hermione commented.

"Oh my, thank you Miss Granger. They were prepared from my family recipe" Dumbledore told her.

Hermione smiled and stuffed one of the crispy Potatoes in her mouth.

The table was full of much conversation over dinner.

Ron who was talking to Wormtail, was very happy to be eating a proper meal. Usually he would be feasting on raw fish, and also his new fetish, Dung bombs.

He sent Hermione a couple of glances down the table but she was to involved in Draco to notice.

Just as the feast was ending Dumbledore stood up, his glass raised and he tapped it gently with a fork in his other hand.

"I would like to make an important announcement. Voldemort and I are officially an item," He smiled as the room erupted in applause.

_"Louldy-" Filtch continued, pinching Voldemort's cheek like he was a young child._

"Congratulations!" everyone shouted patting the couple on the back.

"Wait!" Voldemort said standing up quickly, "We are no couple, I love Filtch!" he smiled moving towards the nurse/man.

"But-bu-but HONEY! I love you!" Dumbledore cried. "How could you be with HIM?"

"Isn't it obvious? We are soul mates!" Voldemort said as he pointed to a banner at the end of the room, reading ' Voldemort and Filtch are soul mates'

Dumbledore stood there with a saddened face.

_"Oldy" Filtch re-continued_

The room gasped, the table was dead silent.

"OLDY!?" Voldemort roared.

Filtch had just realized the trouble he had caused.

"Stuff him, Dumbledore we are now soul mates!" Voldemort stated then changed the banner to 'Voldemort and Dumbledore are soul mates'

Both Dumbledore and Voldemort held hands ad skipped out of the room together. Leaving Filtch and the rest of the guests in shock.

"Curse you rhyming words!" Flitched wailed.

"Well that's a little odd, did anyone else find that odd? Because I found that odd!" Harry said frantically.

"Nonsense that was a sign for us all to leave" Hermione protested, signaling to Draco.

"That's exactly what it meant!" Draco backed up.

Both of them quietly slipped out of the room without anyone noticing.

Meanwhile on the other side of the world where Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were on their honeymoon, on a beach, having a book club meeting. A crab walked up to them.

"Where did Lucius go?" Questioned Severus after everyone had calmed down about Filtch's sudden outburst.

Every shuffled uneasily as they knew exactly were he was and they did not want to upset Snape by telling him that Cedric loved Lucius.

"He went to the shop!" cried a Leprechaun from the back of the crowd.

"Why did he go to the shop?" Severus questioned.

"To get… a birthday cake!"

"Oh for Voldie shorts birthday tomorrow?" He asked excitedly.

"Yes, that's the one."

"Well I just want to let you know you're ALL invited, but you have to keep it a secret, it's at the manor."

The next day everyone was excited about Voldemort's birthday party and they were all preparing their sleeping bags and 'night wear'.

Hermione and Draco were still canoodling in a room in the shrieking shack, which had been recently restored to it's former glory, and completely unaware of Voldemort's party. That is until someone unexpected decided to visit them.


	8. Chapter 8: Straight Now?

Chapter 8: Straight now

Chapter 8: Straight now?

"AHHHH!"

"AHHHH!"

"AHHHH!"

Three voices screamed simultaneously.

Hermione and Draco lay beneath a patchwork quilt.

"What are you doing here?" Draco hissed, as he made sure the blanket covered him.

"Well I was back at the 'hideout' and everyone was fussing about Voldemort's birthday, I just had to get away and that's when I came across this unearthly sight!" Ron replied, not fussed that he had obviously just walked in on something... or did he?

"Well if you don't mind, we are kinda in the middle of something!" Hermione spat.

"Well doesn't look very important, you still have you clothes on" Ron said matter-of-factly.

"Well we were, just- um- about to!" Draco stumbled

"Well, can I join? I practised stripping when I was little!" Ron said sheepishly looking more in Draco's direction.

Both Hermione and Draco nodded hesitantly, yet they were never planning on taking there clothes off, they just wanted to tickle each others radishes.

Once again out of no where music started to play, timed perfectly to Ron's strut. He was swinging his hips drastically to the words of "You can leave your hat on..."

"STOP!" Draco yelled.

"I changed my mind, this is just to weird. If I let this absurdness go on any longer, I will no longer be the only straight guy in this very weird and strange fic!" Draco continued.

Hermione, who had been lying on her belly watching the entertainment, jumped up.

"Well Draco" She said as she played with his top button.

"If you let him do this, it will mean a lot to me. Don't you find it absolutely riveting? Hermione toyed.

Draco, who was quite fixed on Hermione playing with his button, shook his head cautiously.

"Come on baby, I'll do anything!" Hermione said in a rather seductive voice.

"Anything?" Draco said with a slight smile on his face.

"Anything!" Hermione repeated.

"But Herms you have to understand, I'm the devilish handsome, straight, irresistible guy. Do you know how bad this would be for me?" Draco exclaimed.

"It means your Father would be very proud of you?" Hermione contemplated.

"Well, okay but just this once do you understand?" He said looking Hermione sternly in the eye.

She nodded sheepishly and turned back to Ron, who was utterly pleased that Draco had agreed to his little "show". The music started to play again and Ron continued from where he was slowly pulling off his snow jacket, then his sweat shirt, the his t-shirt, then his singlet, then his bra…

"WAIT! How many layers of clothes do you have on?" Draco asked annoyed.

Ron cocked an eyebrow and shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know?"

"Look why don't I just strip?" Hermione suggested eyeing Ron and his now bare chest.

Draco nodded his head furiously while Ron looked a little crest fallen but agreed all the same.

Quickly Hermione got up and the music changed to "Don't go changing to try and please me…"

Magically a metal pole appeared and the lights dimmed. There was a mirror ball hanging from the celing shining around the room.

She walked sexily over to the pole, sending shivers down Draco's spine all the way to his "lower body" **(A/N: his toes your dirty people what were you thinking?!). **Suddenly she started dskipping around the pole and she'd stripped down to her underwear in mere seconds, Draco couldn't help it any more he just wanted to pin her down and do things to her that he'd never down with a girl before. **(A/N: A tea party)** But someone beat him to it.

Ron had pranced in spandex over to the gaping beauty and threw her under the table made of lemons and started tickling her radishes.

"If any one could make me straight baby I knew it would be you!" He whispered sexily in her ear.

She let out a chirp and a shocked and upset Draco left the room in tears.

"How could she do this to me I thought we were in love?" He said to himself walking along the secret passageway that led back to the castle.

After five minuets of walking he emerged out from between a pair of roots under the whomping willow. He strolled miserably up to the dank looking castle.


	9. Chapter 9 part 1: Authors

Chapter 9: The beauty is in the eye of the author

_Chapter 9: The beauty is in the eye of the author. (not the real chapter 9)_

_The bricks of the castle were turning a greeny colour from the growing moss. Draco couldn't help but think this was his entire fault._

_He looked into the sky, his blue eyes shinning with a few withheld tears._

_"Draco?" Called a strange yet familiar voice._

_"Draco is that you?" The voice called again._

_Draco turned to see Cho Chang emerging from behind a bottle brush tree._

_"Cho?" He asked suspiciously._

_She smiled and sat on a stone bench. Draco tried to disguise his tears but did a terrible job. Cho offered him a white handkerchief with her initials embrioded into the bottom left hand corner._

_"I know how you feel" she said softly._

_"At first I was afraid, I was petrified" Draco told her._

"_Uh huh-" Cho nodded as if to allow him to continue, so he stood up, ripped off his clothes, revealing a white-sparkling-rock star-jumpsuit._

"_I though I could never live without her by my side-" disco music played loudly in the background as he began to sing._

"_But then I spent so many nights thinking how she did me wrong and I grew strong! I learned how to get along!" all of a sudden the music was cut and Draco froze in his disco position._

_Lucius was standing there watching his son in awe!_

"_You're finally gay! I always knew you'd be a great as a gay parade singer!" His father applauded embracing his son._

_Draco broke apart from his dad._

"_Erm- dad, I'm not actually gay" he said innocently as his fathers joyful expression changed into hurt. Then a small fraction of a sneer curled his lips._

_"Oh really?" Lucius asked, hands on hips._

_"Yeah, really" Draco assured._

_"Oh really?" Lucius repeated with his eye brow raised._

_"Yes" Draco re-assured._

_"There is no point in pretending, your only lying to yourself, save the heart ache reveal who you truly are!" Lucius said in a sort of patriotic speech._

_"Dad I'm not..." Draco stopped mid sentence and grabbed a hold of Cho's wrists and pulled her into a powerful kiss. A kiss more powerful then Madonna and Brittany spears'._

_Draco had not planned this to happen so naturally he intended on pulling away, but as soon as their lips parted he couldn't help himself and went back for more._

_Lucius, who was on the verge of crying, stood in silence. A little annoyed he stormed off to through the bushes._

_Finally the two broke apart._

_"Ummm.." Cho said in shock._

"_It's okay I know how you feel about me! I feel the same way" Draco said sexily feeling her large chest area which only consisted of one giant super boob._

"_Actually Draco… I'm already going out with someone!" she said sheepishly as a dwarf sized man jumped out from a bush next the them and pulled Cho next to him._

"_Ugh! Are you going out with a dwarf!" Draco said disgusted looking at the man._

"_Yes, there is nothing wrong with dwarfs" she sobbed._

"_But I am just so damn hot! How could you refuse my sexyness?" Draco whined as they left him to wallow in his self pity._

_Draco sat, upset, on the stony ground beneath him and cried into his hands._

"_Why does no body love me?" he sobbed feeling cruel and alone._

"_Oh but WE do," came voices from behind him._

_He turned to face these voices. His mouth dropped open in awe. There were two Australian girls standing in front of him, wearing white muggle attire._

"_Are you angles?" He asked softly as though if he spoke louder they would disappear._

"_NO! you arse hole we just went to a dress up party!" One of them said pulling out a ribbon and wrapping it around her wrist._

"_My name is Jade and this is Chelsea," She said helping him up with one hand and pointing to the other girl with her other hand._

"_We are your stalkers!" Chelsea squealed excitedly, as they gawked at him_


	10. Chapter 9 part 2: Best Behavior

Chapter 9(changed): Best Behaviour

Chapter 9(changed): Best Behaviour

Camera swoop over the Hogwarts ground, Voldemort's hide out and shrieking shack, come to a stop at the manner

A very distort, confused Severus was sitting in the middle of the dinning room flinging around a square of linen.

"Up right hand corner, tuck, fold and pull" He recited, then turned very frustrated when it didn't work.

"Centre fold, turn, twist, pleat and tuck" He said fiddling with the cloth.

"No, no, no, its up tuck, bottom left fold, centre pleat and pull" He told him self maliciously.

"Ahaaha, success!" He complemented as he admired the linen.

"What a perfect square" He gloated.

"Severus do you plan on folding the napkins anytime soon?" McGonagall boomed from the doorway.

"What do you mean, they're perfect!" Snape snapped.

"Severus, in the twenty minutes I have been gone all you have done is managed to turn a square piece of linen upside down." McGonagall stated as she charmed a few glasses into a pyramid.

Snape look disappointed, put down his napkin and walked out of the room, his shoulders slumped and his feet dragging along the ground.

"Cheer up Severus they are very good squares!" She added hesitantly holding a napkin up.

"That one wasn't even mine!" he wailed running out of the room, his hands and arms waving around wildly in the air, just like Jack Sparrow.

McGonagall just shrugged and continued to place the newly folded napkins around the table. She walked over to the doorway, turned around and admired her work. There was a pink and purple theme in the room, glasses were pink, and tablecloths were purple and pink in a marble pattern. Practically everything was pink and purple. Over in the corner was a large photo board that was prepared by Dumbledore and Wormtail… and Joe.

"Joe!!" McGonagall called loudly as Ron entered the room.

"Yes Madame." He bowed politely

"I want you to stand at the door and welcome our guests!" She announced importantly.

"Sure thing gov'na!" He said as he marched out of the room his hand raised to his forehead in a salute.

No sooner had Ron made it to the door came the first knock. He opened the door and bowed very low.

"Hey hot stuff," said a drooling voice.

He looked up quickly at a hunky grey-haired-95-year-old-looking-guy.

"Oh, hey Charlie," Ron said giving his brother an almost scared look.

Charlie slapped him on the arse, "See yah later lil bro," he winked in a mischievous manner as he walked up the hall.

"Um, Charlie… I'm not "you know" any more. I love Hermione." He confessed.

"WHAT! YOU CRAB! I AM GOING TO TELL EVERYONE YOUR SECRET NOW!" Charlie screamed.

"No Charlie, please don't" Ron whimpered pathetically.

Charlie stuck his nose in the air and pulled a paper clip from his pocket.

Ron's frown lines defined themselves and he lowered his head in shame.

"Mr. Joe, would you please greet the guests? And your top is not to blow your nose on either!" McGonagall shouted as she did a few last minute touch ups.

Ron tucked his top into his pants, just as he had, a second knock came. Ron peered around the corner with a suss look on his face.

"Umm...Dumbledore may I ask why you are consistently knocking on the door, that is already open?" He said grabbing Dumbledores fists.

Dumbledore had obviously not heard a word Ron had just said and received quite a shock at the sudden grab of his hands.

"Ahhhhh, earthquake, attack, rape, fire!" He said still ambitious to knock on the door.

Ron just shrugged him off and awaited other guests.

Slowly, an hour passed and all the people that had been invited were crammed in the large, yet small looking dinning area.

There was a clang of glass and everyone turned to the front of the room where McGonagall was standing.

"Okay people, our Birthday boy will be here any minuet now, when he comes in and turns on the lights we jump up and wish him a happy Birthday okay?" everyone nodded and McGonagall flicked her wand which turned out the lights.

Ten minuets went by and still no one had come yet, but then suddenly there was a faint tapping of shoes. A door closed and someone was walking up the stairs,

"Here he comes everyone!" McGonagall whispered loudly to the many hundred people.

The door of the room opened and a figure switched on the lights.

"HAPPY QUANZZA" Everyone shouted at the top of their lungs towards the man at the door,

"Sorry I am late guys," Jack Sparrow laughed uneasily, tugging at the collar of his shirt as he moved away from the door.

Everyone glared at him, it hadn't been Voldemort who came through the door but Jack Sparrow who was supposed to be one of the special guests. There was a laughing sound coming from a manical sounding man on the other side of the room.

"Oh was this party for me? I arrived ages ago!" Voldemort laughed throwing his arms around the lady next to him.


	11. Chapter 10: Punching Bowl

Chapter 10: "Punching bowl (Lights out)"

Chapter 10: "Punching bowl (Lights out)"

Strange looks crossed the faces of many guests.

"How could you not know? Didn't you notice the giant banners saying 'Happy Birthday Voldemort?'" Hermione asked nodding her head in the direction of the banner.

Voldemort squinted at the purple material draped on the far window.  
He tried to decipher the pink writing.

"Halpy Ball…binh...birtdee. Who wrote this sign? It is like totally impossible to read!" Voldemort stated.

A distort Severus ran into the room and out again yelling "WHY DOESN'T ANY ONE APPRECIATE MY WORK!?"

"So who wants punch?" Ron asked, easing the focus away from the now naked Snape who was doing hand stands outside the window.

The whole room stood up and walked over to Ron's fabulous punch, which was also in a shade of purple.

"What is this Joe? It's great!" asked a very drunken Jack Sparrow,

"Non-alcoholic grape juice!" Ron answered proudly yet somewhat confused at Jack's drunkenness.

"Oh? NON alcoholic?" Ron nodded and all of a sudden the drunken look on Jacks face disappeared and he walked away casually.

About twenty minuets later everyone except Jack was still at the punch table and everyone seemed addicted to the punch and Ron was getting a work out.

All of a sudden Ron passed out, followed shortly by the rest of the room. Jack, who was sitting quietly in the back corner drinking rum noticed the sudden lack of people.

"By golly! These stupid idiots have collapsed and left their wallets unprotected! I think this is a job for the infamous Jack doogledum… I mean Sparrow!" Jack quickly stood up from his chair, swayed a little and attempted to head over to where the passed out people lay.

"CHEESE!"


	12. Chapter 11: Cheese

Chpater 11: Cheese

Chpater 11: Cheese!

"Cheese" Dobby repeated.

"Sure everyone start the party without Dobby, lets all pretend we are asleep when Dobby arrives. Well I got news for you people, the only people who do that are three-year-old school girls at a slumber party!" He yelled, stumbling among the victims...I mean guests.

Ever since Ron's accident Dobby had been going through a real depression stage. He would for ever be wearing black make-up and chains hanging from his enormous ears. And what clothes he wore were surly to be black.

Dobby tried to wake up various people by slapping them and kicking them in the shins, but no one woke from the punch-educed sleep.

"Well if ya cant beet 'em join 'em" Dobby said as he lay down to join everyone else.

At first he lay as though he were about to be buried but then he thought that that wasn't drastic enough, for everyone else was sprawled as though they had been tortured to death. So he spread himself out and twisted his limbs in every which way direction and finally stuck his tongue out to complete the look.

The room was covered in unconscious victims… guests and Jack who was still leaning over people and going through their wallets. He had not noticed Dobby nor the fact that he was pretending to be passed out on the floor, Jack didn't even know this thing… come to think of it Jack didn't even know why he was here. That could mainly be the fact that he was drunk or possibly the fact that this wasn't even his movie or maybe a little bit of both. But whatever the reason he was still getting good loot.

Suddenly out of no where a small red monster was skipping merrily on a hillside not too far from the manner -this monster knew Joe and he knew about Joe's "special punch" in fact if it were not for him Joe's "punch" would never have been a success.- This little monster's name was Elmo and you know what happens when monsters do favours for wizards? No? Well I'll tell you what happens they lie and cheat that's what happens and then they put their own special potion in it so that everyone gets knocked out and then they can eat them and no body knows. **(A/N: Don't even think about asking me how I knew that.)**

So Elmo was merrily skipping awaiting the perfect time for when he would eat them, but something unusual happened.

A puff of blue smoke erupted from the sky. Clouds shimmering blue fell upon all the guests and acted as though it was a blanket. So there everyone was; sleeping, piled on top of each other and covered in a sapphire blanket. Slowly peoples eyes began to flutter and they awoke to the scene. Many people got to their feet others tried to figure out what on earth they were doing on the floor. When Hermione awoke she found she was stuck under four very large people and attempted to ask for them to move but there was to many buttons in their eyes to hear her cries. Finally she shimmied her way out from under them, her hand and legs felt numb as she tried to stand.

She scanned the room for Ron and spotted him walking out of the door she started towards the door way but was stopped by the sudden grab of her shoulder. She turned to see Draco holding on to her.

"I don't love you!" She grunted trying to shrug free of his grip.

"Hermione there is no point denying it, what can he offer you that I can't?" He protested tightening his grip.

"He is a decent man for one" Hermione shouted.

Against her will Draco pulled her body towards him so that their 'bits parts and pieces' touched. He moved his one hand so that it touched her hairline on her neck. He did it ever so gently but enough to hold Hermione's head close to his. Hermione looked away as felt her up; his breath was unbearable and she could not stand to inhale it. When his hand moved up her thigh a little she could not take it any more, she grabbed his wrist and twisted it out ways.

She tried to remember her army training. She elbowed him in the solarplex, stood on the instep of his foot, punched him in the nose and kneed him in the groin. Draco let go immediately and crouched over in pain.

"Sing that biatch!" she said as she ran for the door and left Draco behind!

Draco lay sprawled on the ground in pain his hand reached out in the direction that Hermione had just left and his other hand gripping his area. But Hermione did not look back she kept her head high, but her mother had always said to never hold your head high just in case people look up your nose and see your boogas, but she had no care for her mother's words at this critical moment. She kept to her quest to find Ron… I mean Joe… no wait I do mean Ron… well any way she continued her quest to find Ron (or should it be Joe?) But all of the rooms she quickly-glanced-in-without-really-looking, seemed to be empty.

Finally after many seconds of looking through rooms she decided she'd had enough and that it was time to go and get some donuts. Hermione didn't really like donuts, but she felt this was the time and place to go and get some… so she went to a shopping area about 10 minuets down the road and got some donuts. But when Hermione was little her mum had told her not to eat donuts because they were actually made from the snot of people who held their heads up high.

Hermione didn't like listening to her mother… mostly because her mother had told her when she was little that you should never listen to your mother.

So she went and got donuts, and little did she know the donut boy was really a pumpkin patch dressed in disguise.

"Hello there ma'am would you care for some confectionary donuts?" the mischievous pumpkin patch asked.

"Why yes the kind sir, that's sound a delight," Hermione replied, as she now was wearing a medieval costume and was holding a mace in her fist.

"Freeze this is a stick up!" the pumpkin patch said pulling off his disguise.

"Oh no what am I going to do?!" Hermione asked blankly pulling the fridge from under her nose.

"Look a two legged bird!" she yelled pointing behind the pumpkin patch.

The pumpkin patch turned to see such a sight but was disappointed when it wasn't a two legged just a boring old seven legged bird. Mean while Hermione ran from the shop and took cover in a near by soup bowl.

"HAVE NO FEAR I AM HERE!!" Shouted an unknown man wearing a skin tight red cotton costume and underwear on his slightly balding head.

"And who are you?" Said Hermione snapping her fingers in a 'z' formation and raising one eyebrow… seeing as though she only had one eyebrow because she lost the other one in a terrible toilet cleaning accident.

"I am, um. I AM … err- Well I doesn't really matter who I am, the only thing that matters is that I have a big package."

Hermione looked down and saw that indeed he did have a big package. Oh how she would just love to touch it! But she had to restrain herself she had Ron/Joe now.

"Mademoiselle this package could be all yours, you can have it when ever you like," He announced importantly.

Hermione's eyes gleamed like the sun when it eats its breakfast or like a baby when it sees a woman's breast.

She reached out her hand and touched the mans package and then ripped it from his grasp. He winced in pain because he'd just trod on a large prickle that had been under his foot for the past ten minuets.

"There's your package, well it was mine but I delivered it to you," and finally Hermione unwrapped the brown paper, because it was a mail package. **(A/N:honestly what were you sicko's thinking? Man it's just a postage delivery, lol)**

But then Hermione dropped her earring in the soup bowl that she was sitting in and Draco appeared from underneath her and decided it was his job to rescue the penguin.

"Draco I don't love you how many times-" she was cut off all to sudden by the pumpkin patch, which had decided to jump in the soup and make out with the bowl.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't take it any more!" Voldemort screamed running around in a pink frilly waiters dress, "What ever happened to my birthday?"

"Oh give it a rest!" Hermione cried, tying dental floss to her fringe.

Voldemort looked blankly at her…

"wha, what are you talking about?" He questioned as he sat in the shrinks office.

"It's not your birthday, don't think you can fool me. You may have Dumbledore and the entire cast in this unusual but jam filled story under your spell but not me!" She said abruptly.

Voldemort was caught, green gloved. She truly was the smartest girl of her zebra. He tried to make a desperate escape Baywatch style and unlike Pamela Anderson he had natural features! But in what should have been a 3 minute run turned into a 17 minute slow motion walk to an empty airport.

The walrus came down on a platform and lights started flashing violently.

Ron  
Wizard lovin' had me a blast

Hermione  
Wizard lovin' happened so fast

Ron  
I met a girl as crazy as me

Hermione  
Met a boy, as far as I can see

Both  
Wizard days driftin' away, to uh-oh those enchanted nights

Everyone  
Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh

Gryffindors  
Tell me more, tell me more

Harry  
Did you get very far?

Gringotts staff  
Tell me more, tell me more

Ginny  
Like does he have a scar?

Everyone  
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

Ron  
She has a geanie, she got a lamp

Hermione  
He in a wheelchair, he needs a ramp

Ron  
I saved her life, she nearly died

Hermione  
He ran off, he screamed and he cried

Both  
wizard's sun, something's begun, but uh-oh those enchanted nights

Everyone  
Uh well-a well-a well-a huh

Griffindor's  
Tell me more, tell me more

Victor  
Was it love at first sight?

Gringotts staff  
Tell me more, tell me more

George or Fred  
Did she put up a fight?

Everyone  
Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh

Ron  
We played tennis, she scored me a duce

Hermione  
We went strolling, drank polyjuice

Ron  
We stayed out near the big clock

Hermione  
His mum made me a new sock

Both  
Wizard fling, don't mean a thing, but uh-oh those enchanted nights

Everyone  
Uh well-a well-a well-a huh

Gringotts staff  
Tell me more, tell me more

Cedric  
But you don't gotta brag

Griffindor's  
Tell me more, tell me more

Pansy  
Cos he sounds like a drag

Everyone  
shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, YEH

Hermione  
He got drunk, could barley stand

Ron  
Shrieking shack, good investment land

Hermione  
He was weird, a little obscene

Ron  
Well she was good you know what I mean

Everyone  
Woah!

Both  
Wizard heat, boy and girl meet, but uh-oh those enchanted nights

Everyone  
woo, woo, woo

Griffindor's  
Tell me more, tell me more

Lanender  
How much dough did he spend?

Gringotts staff  
Tell me more, tell me more

Seamus  
Could she get me a friend?

Hermione  
It turned colder - that's where it ends

Ron  
So I told her we'd still be friends

Hermione  
Then we made our true love vow

Ron  
Wonder what she's doing now

Both  
Wizard dreams ripped at the seams,  
bu-ut oh, those en-chanted nights...

and so closes this hem hem…lovely scene everyone lives happily ever after.

Voldemort found out his real birth date and became a witty TV show host.  
Draco fell madly in love with Tom Felton and they are expecting their foster child in June, but still is adamant he is NOT gay.  
Filtch and Dumbledore got hitched not long after Microsoft crashed.  
Lucius and Cedric are happily living in the Hampton's.  
Severus has been emitted to professional counseling.  
J.K wrote a rather successful series of books about a boy wizard, she even named a character after her great peach-eating friend Umbridge.  
Cho and her dwarf were last seen on Jerry Springer after he revealed he wasn't actually small, and the baby wasn't hers.  
Chelsea and Jade were locked up after Draco pressed charges and when they broke their restraining order her pressed further ones, leaving them with a 27year sentence.  
The walrus made a good career but was busted for drugs and joined Chelsea and Jade in jail, where they are forming a gospel sining group.  
And everyone else lived like it was 1970!


End file.
